Hipsters stunned as vintage cameras fail to make them professional photographers

Morning sunshine orangely oozes from the pale fluffy clouds, cooked just right, captured within two halves of hot, freshly toasted buns and a slab of mystery meat containing possibly a dead cat.

The international hipster community is in shock this week after the purchase of a vintage Polaroid camera by a young hipster failed to bring him instant acclaim as a gritty, original, yet quirky photographer. Meanwhile, the non-profit Hipster Photographer Rescue has revealed that “this kind of tragic occurrence is happening so often now that it’s almost become mainstream”.

Leaning against the exposed brickwork in his loft-slash-studio, 28-year-old ‘creative’ and part-time barista, Zak Retrough, said that he is “like, shocked?” that his totally deck photographs of his friends looking moody next to some kitchen appliances from the 70′s have continued to be ignored by independent art galleries.

“Mainstream sellouts think that we use old cameras and only shoot in natural light because we can’t learn all that artificial strobe-flash stuff,” said Retrough. “But it’s actually because we’re shooting it the way we saw it. It’s, like, our truth,” he added, pausing to crack the plastic case of his new Lomograph camera to create light leaks.

According to a spokesman from Hipster Photographer Rescue, ever-increasing numbers of tiny-trousered, vintage-Polaroid-wielding 20-somethings are putting a strain on their limited resources.

“The problem is so much bigger than we thought” said Phil Anthropy. “Whoever it was who first told a hipster that extreme cross-processing and vignetting instantly elevates a photo of themselves looking bewilderedly off-camera through their asymmetrical fringe into art has a lot to answer for.”

He said that there was a persistent belief among the community that using old film cameras was somehow more “authentic”.

“But the sad truth is that they just can’t be bothered to learn about ISO, shutter-speed, and aperture,” explained Anthropy. “And we’re seeing a lot of injuries caused by them trying to force a spare film cartridge into the pocket of already too-tight skinny jeans.”

But, he said, there was hope.

“Here at Hipster Photographer Rescue we give these kids options, and make them see that lurking self-consciously on street corners, wearing a messenger bag filled with old cameras, cigarettes, a James Joyce novel, organic cashews and a Macbook Pro, does not make you a professional photographer.

“Still, we can only detox, de-program and re-home so many of these little guys,” he sighed.